22 Reasons Why You Should Not Get Married (Or At Least Delay Doing So), Part 1

I’ve had it! I’ve heard the story of yet another Bridezilla (see Emily Yoffe's article in Slate magazine, thanks to Jan for the link. I love the phrase "acquired situational narcissism")emerging as she tries to engineer her perfect wedding day without regard to her friends/family needs or what her marriage to her beloved would really be like after the honeymoon was over. The problem with many of these Bridezillas is that they think they are only preparing for a party (the ceremony and reception) and are not anyways nearly prepared for the lifetime that ensues –major issues that should be discussed and decided upon before the ceremony are set aside while choosing china patterns or wedding color schemes. For this reason, I have decided, from my position as a never-married older single, to give a list of why these ladies should “call the whole thing off” or at least delay getting hitched. I'll give you my first five reasons today.

You should not get married if:

1. You are unequally yoked. What do I mean? The Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (New King James Version). People have taken that to mean, “Christians, don’t marry non-Christians.” I could leave it right there as it is, but I also think you’re headed for trouble if you and your beloved are both Christians, but at different places spiritually. I have known many a case where the “Christian husband” has no desire for his own spiritual growth; he may be content with going to church on Sunday and seeing that his children are given spiritual instruction, but don’t expect him to have his own time with God, study the Bible or volunteer in ministry. He may even resent his wife if she does these things. (Note: I have also seen the wife be the Christian dud married to the Christian stud.) If you want to truly share your faith with your spouse, then only marry someone who shares your faith and faith practices before you get engaged.

2. You are expecting a personality or behavior change after the wedding. Someone very dear to me married a scoundrel expecting him to turn into a saint once she had the opportunity as his wife to “change him”. Did it work? NO!!!! He remained a rat through most of their many long years of marriage. This is especially true if your beloved has an addiction or compulsive personality disorder. The drugs, alcohol, gambling, cheating, lying will nearly always win out. “Lazy loafs” do not suddenly become up-and-at-em, go-getters just because they get a marriage license and ring. People who are violent and hit others will probably get violent and hit you. Sex addicts and perverts will be what they are. Yes, Christ can transform the vilest offender but only if they truly desire to be transformed –if you will marry the creep, warts and all, without this transformation, why should they bother to make the change?

3. You haven’t discussed and decided on the “big ones”. These are: handling money (who does what and how), having children (how many/when, family planning, child discipline), power (who makes what decisions). Then there are career choices, living arrangements, dealing with in-laws, sleep schedule to name a few. A woman wanting 10 kids has no business marrying a guy who wants none; it’s unfair to both and manipulative to try to “renegotiate the deal” afterwards. A know a couple like that – the husband lied about wanting to have children to the woman he married. She did manage to con him into having four of them, but he was a lousy and distant father. I know a morning person married to a night owl and it has been hard for them to adapt to each other’s schedule. Get these issues out on the table and don’t think that you can get them to have a change of heart.

4. Your family and friends despise your beloved. How is that everyone but you thinks she/he’s bad news? Why can’t they see what you see? Perhaps they have an objectivity towards this person you don’t. Can so many have it all wrong? Proverbs 15:22 (New Living Translation) says, “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success.” I think if your intended’s presence sets off warning bells from the people who know you best, pay attention. Also be wary of your relationship supporters who approve of your relationship because it affirms their own, perhaps poor, choice in a spouse. It is not the best endorsement to have a woman married to an alcoholic encourage you to do the same, for instance.

5. You are unaware of the existence or are unwilling to carry each other’s “baggage”. Baggage is that catch all word for prior relationships, marriages, children from the above said relationships, life traumas, bad childhood, the past, phobias, addictions, illnesses, conditions, compulsions, etc. Every person brings some amount of baggage into any relationship –some bring little overnight bags, perhaps a break-up or two with a high school sweetie. The bags get a bit bigger with the death of a parent when you were young, to a failed “starter marriage” to a point where some bring entire shipping containers into their relationship- three or four failed marriages, yours-mine-and-ours families, stories or repeated sexual or child abuse and histories of alcoholism. We are told in Galatians 6:2 to “share each other’s burdens” but sometimes the enormity and weight of these issues is just too much to bear. Perhaps the one with these grave issues needs to deal with them in counseling BEFORE you try to move them in under one roof. Allow time to heal if wounds are fresh or new.

More to follow....

I Wonder???

Recently, I was reading a young (approximately 30ish), single, Christian woman's post where she was writing about her desire to get married and have children ASAP. I won't link to it here, mainly because her identity and actual post are not relevant to this particular discussion. For one thing, I know many young women who are in the exactly same situation that she's in -the old "biological clock" is ticking away and no decent prospects for a Christian husband are in sight. Each of them could've written the exact same words with the same lament and sense of urgency.

As I've ministered to high school, college age, and young singles for over 25 years, I have heard these words over and over again. I've seen some find good guys and get married, just the way they envisioned life for themselves, but I've also seen those for whom the "right man" never came; so they are left with either settling for someone far less than their ideal or suffering in their singleness. Since singleness is called "the gift that nobody wants", I know far more of these ladies who settled for Mr. Wrong and now are either single again after divorce or are miserable in their marriage.

As I approach the point of being nearly 20 years beyond that life stage, I reflect on my own life and whether or not it has turned out as I expected. Of course 20 years ago I didn't think that I would still be single either. But as life, and I believe God, soon showed me, not everyone is meant to be married or have kids. That truth in and of itself is more than okay although I didn't come by it in an instant. For me, not having a mother around when I entered my twenties, probably took some of the pressure off. It also helped to have a strong grandmother who spent most of her adult life without a man. Even my maternal grandmother, although married for more than 50 years, saw the advantage of only marrying for an outstanding godly man over settling with any old guy that showed an interest. That fact helped me to focus on building my career and ministries instead.

I think our society, particularly our Christian community still puts a premium on becoming a wife and mother as necessary to one's being and calling. From the time we are little girls, we are programmed to aspire to be a wife and mother. Even career women are told that they can "have it all " by juggling these roles as necessary. In reality, we seem to gloss over Paul's recommendation in 1 Corinthians 7 that singles stay that way to better serve the Lord. It is not helpful when singles' and young adult's ministries are designed around helping them find mates rather than becoming a faithful follower of Jesus Christ. (For more on this subject, I found Kristin Aune's book Single Women to be a great resource.)

Has my life turned out the way I'd dreamt it 10, 20 or even 30 years ago? In some ways, yes, in others, no. Thirty years ago, while I was in high school, I only thought about being a rich engineer (an oxymoron I know now); I got the engineer part right and compared to a lot of my peers from high school I'm doing pretty well. However, that was a life planned that had no room for God in it. A few years later, much of that thinking had turned a different direction with a new focus on Christ. I think that girl would be surprised at the present one that I was not further along in Christ-like behavior and godliness. Somehow that envisioned one would be highly regarded as a Christian speaker, wife and mother (who just happened to have an engineering degree, too). The me of 10-20 years ago by then would not have been disappointed to be single still, but would be sorry to hear that I was out of youth ministry again (perhaps, she'd wonder why her church would still be choosing people in leadership that would initiate such things). Oh, and I'd have travelled more and done more interesting things too.

Well, what does the future ten years from now hold? Should the Lord tarry, I will be retired and free to minister full-time on my retirement money and investments. But, the thing is we don't know, we are not guaranteed of tomorrow and you know what they say about the best laid plans... The point is, we don't (or aren't supposed to) live life in an holding pattern, treading water in place until the right man, the right job, the right ministry or the right opportunity comes along. God, like the master in the parable of the talents, has given us the wherewithall to serve Him and live life to its fullest in the now. I am responsible for what I do or don't do with it. That applies equally to my 30 something gal pals who are desperate for Mr. Right to come along and change their life. If he comes, great, if not, you will have helped to build God's kingdom or reflected Christ's love. There are no regrets for that life.